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Warm and Moist

Man: I'd like to buy some dog food.

Checkout Lady: Do you have a dog?

Man: Yes.

Checkout Lady: Where is he?

Man: He's at home.

Checkout Lady: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog.

The next day, the man returns.

Man: I'd like to buy some cat food.

Checkout Lady: Do you have a cat?

Man: Yes.

Checkout Lady: Well...where is he?

Man: He's at home!

Checkout Lady: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

Checkout Lady: What's in the sack?

Man: Put your hand inside.

Checkout Lady: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?

Man: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

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Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

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Talking Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

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Disorder in Courts

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work..

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Just Browsing

A Blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, “I’m just lookin’ around”.

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